the top ten things i hate about being gluten free.

(note: the language of this post is intentionally hyperbolic in nature and is intended to be at least somewhat humorous, however that does not negate the seriousness in which i hate being gluten free)

first things first, just in case we have any new readers here, id like to start with a little background here: i have celiac disease, which is a stupid, stupid autoimmune disorder that means i can never, never eat anything thats even touched something containing wheat or wheat by-products or wheat residue ever again in my entire life. 

and i hate it. 

why? 

because, like any human being thats worth hanging out with I FREAKING LOVE BREAD. and not just the crappy american sandwich bread that comes in bags at the grocery store, real bread. breads with fancy names like pain rustique and rosemary demi batard. heck, i like bread more than i like most people. 

but you know what else i hate about this whole thing?

that EVERY SINGLE PERSON THATS EVER WRITTEN ANYTHING ON THE INTERNET ABOUT BEING GLUTEN FREE WONT STOP BRAGGING ABOUT HOW MUCH THEY LOVE IT, effectively making me feel like im the ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD thats ever hated being gluten free. 

just let this soak in for a minute. 

the internet, which is chock full of people with problems, is making me feel like im the only person with this problem. 

now, i could spend several days detailing my hatred for the gluten free lifestyle, but that wouldnt be very fun, would it? instead ive compiled a list of the ten things i hate most about being gluten free:

1. going out is both incredibly difficult AND makes me look like a total jerk. ok, so eating gluten free is super serious business and basically if i want to be able to know if a food is safe i have to either a. make it myself, or b. it has to come out of a box marked "gluten free". obviously i want to leave my house sometimes and doing so means doing things like bringing my own food to parties, bringing my own soy sauce to sushi restaurants, and making sure everyone at thanksgiving knows that they CAN NOT MIX THE UTENSILS and all kinds of things that are so embarrassingly high maintenance. 

2. im hungry ALL THE TIME. seriously, no amount of fish, or quinoa, or rice crackers, or plain vegetables can satiate me. you know what could? bread. 

3. as a result, im angry ALL THE TIME. and i dont mean like, mildly irritated. i mean like, screaming at my husband for literally no reason angry. because ive been hungry for about eight months straight. 

4. its expensive. you know how normal tortillas are like $2 a bag of like, ten? gluten free tortillas are $4 for a bag of SIX. and theyre not even good. 

5. there is no such thing as "fast food". im not just talking about drive throughs here (though, thats also a problem), i mean like, if i want to eat lunch real quick before going to work or whatever. i cant just make a peanut butter sandwich or microwave a burrito. the closest thing i get to a "quick lunch" is dropping everything to make some tuna salad and carrot sticks. 

6. i literally CAN NOT tolerate beans anymore. so, beans are cheap, and nutritious, and fairly filling. but the thing is ive been eating beans almost every day for i dont know how long and anything more than a garnish of beans makes me gag. 

7. i fantasize about bread. ive basically turned into liz lemon. this is an actual thing that i said to james at the church christmas party last month "can you please keep spreading butter on that bread, i really like watching you spreading butter on that bread" and i cant believe i just admitted that i said that. 

8. there just isnt a good substitute. yeah, ive found some gluten free pastas and cookies and stuff that are ok, but even the best gluten free bread isnt even CLOSE to the real thing. not even a little bit. 

9. i CAN NOT gain weight. as of right now im eating potato chips, ice cream, and mayonnaise EVERY DAY and i can not get myself past the weight i was when i was in high school, vegan, AND AN INCH SHORTER. the only time ive ever weight less than i do right now is when i was 19 and my thyroid almost killed me. 

and finally, 

10. i literally do not feel even a little bit better. i mean, im NOT having random surprise childbirth-level stomach cramps on a weekly basis, so thats nice. but you know all those things gluten free people brag about like extra energy and clearer thinking and less joint pain/inflammation? yeah, that has NOT happened for me. those things are all about the same, on a good day. 

ok, so maybe that was a lot of venting, but you know what? it was necessary, because if theres just ONE person out there who feels like theyre the only person that hates being gluten free, and they just so happen to stumble upon this little blog post and maybe for a few minutes i can help them forget how hangry (hungry+angry) they are because they know theyre not alone, then im happy. 

and if that one person is you, right now, can we PLEASE be best friends?